.miss negativity 22.

Fuck. 

I'm here again. 

I'm like debri stuck in a water tornado 

A piece of fucking seaweed. 

Up and down, whirling in circles. 

I don't know if I'm in the air or the water, 

My right from my left. 

I don't know. 

All I can do is stay distracted:

"Think about how far you've come, 

set some unrealistic goals. 

Keep reaching, 

eventually you'll win"

Maybe. 

I don't know. 

Everyone is selling something to help. 

Try this, try that. 

Vitamins, Shakes, Religion, Work-Out DVDs. 

Prey off my weakness, 

my time $igns tick tocking to nothing. 

My "unrealistic" goals start fading 

As I purchase a new dress. 

Life seems brighter until I treat myself 

To a 0.5 lb burger 

Busting a seam, I bust into tears. 

Damn you, cheese. 

It'll get better, It'll get better. 

Left Swip on my Chase App

And I'm back under water. 

Where does it go??

Fuck my medical bills. 

"They'd be $10 closer to being paid if you didn't buy that dress"

Shut up. 

There's girls out there buying 

$40 socks. 

Im fine. 

(I'm not)

Miss Negativity 22 

Is a tornado. 

"it is not fully understood exactly how tornadoes form, grow and die. 

Tornado researchers are still trying to solve the tornado puzzle, 

but for every piece that seems to fit they often uncover new pieces that need to be studied. "

.fly high butterfly.

It felt like spring time on this February morning
In a courtyard birds were singing your praise
I'm still recalling things you said to make me feel alright
I carried them with me today...

I wonder why I feel so high
Though I am not above the sorrow
Heavy hearted
Till you call my name
And it sounds like church bells
Or the whistle of a train
On a summer evening
I'll run to meet you
Barefoot, barely breathing

Like a flower I need the rain
Though it's not clear to me
Every season has it's change
And I will see you
When the sun comes out again

.poem.

I'm scared.

Omg it's just all so scary right now....the little stupid things that can be overlooked or worked out Im 
Overthinking, and wondering if it's a little red flag...something I should pay attention to ...it's past the point where I'm like, it's just a relationship, if it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out. Now it's a relationship, and I want it to work out and if it doesn't, it will be a big deal. A big emotional deal. And not just for Michael and I, but for his family....my family (kinda) and for the people who love us as Michael and Hannah.

In a way it's too good to be true....the SHIT we went though,  and actually made it through.

The fact that he feels like a huge part of the person I've become.

I can sit on the couch and not even realize he's sitting next to me, because Michael is my normal.

How are we going on two years into this and not tired of seeing each other everyday..... This is what it is like to be in love, I know that now.......but how long is this fucking fairy tale going to last? Nothing like this ever lasts. Ever.
I have so many questions and so many logical explanations in my mind....but I just....dunno.

I feel like it's a really hot summer day and I had the perfect idea to go jump off a bridge into the river.....I excitedly get on my swim shorts and drive to the bridge, I climb up and have a friend waiting with my phone to capture a picture of my free fall into the river. I'm so excited and it all seems like a great idea up until the point where I have to jump. I know I can swim, I know I won't get hurt and I know how refreshing the cool river will feel. But still, I stand shaking, heart pounding in fear and excitement...........

I'm about to free fall into the future and I don't know if I can handle the adrenalin rush.

I'm scared.

.i want to be a dancer.

music and dance is everywhere in everything. 

i can't help but notice it.... it's like it's calling me...

more than anything, i want to be a dancer.

when i hear music, when i watch dancers,

my heart flutters, like i am falling in love. 

and then it hurts, because it seems to always be

just out of my reach. 

one way or another i find reasons

(excuses?)

why i can't. 

i'm too old to start...i don't have time...or money. 

but i think i have everything i need. 

i just need to find it.

like a treasure hunt, for my dreams.

how much 

do i want to be a dancer?

This is my countdown...Day 47

....faithfulness....

         

...love...

....happiness....

...dancing...

....rain...

This is my countdown...Day 48

Early fall morning

Ran to work at the crack of dawn..my rhythmic footsteps matching with the raindrops and steady heartbeats was amazingly beautiful. 

Presenting food

I love it. It makes me feel so satisfied and proud when I arrange food for someone to eat and it looks like a piece of art. Ahhhh!

Meeting and greeting amazing people

Today at Zakey so many people I love came in... Michelle's family, Mama and Grace, Bekah, Shantell and their friend. I also met a great couple that is moving here from France. These things make me so happy! 

Everything always works out

I try not to focus on money. It's not worth my time. But it is something I have to use, and it always works out for me. Everything does. Especially so lately. 

Goofiness 

Spent almost two hours of pure goofiness with Harleyo at Brew this evening- it was refreshingly fun.