Monday, November 11, 2013

This is my countdown...Day 47





Sunday, November 10, 2013

This is my countdown...Day 48

Early fall morning
Ran to work at the crack of rhythmic footsteps matching with the raindrops and steady heartbeats was amazingly beautiful. 

Presenting food
I love it. It makes me feel so satisfied and proud when I arrange food for someone to eat and it looks like a piece of art. Ahhhh!

Meeting and greeting amazing people
Today at Zakey so many people I love came in... Michelle's family, Mama and Grace, Bekah, Shantell and their friend. I also met a great couple that is moving here from France. These things make me so happy! 

Everything always works out
I try not to focus on money. It's not worth my time. But it is something I have to use, and it always works out for me. Everything does. Especially so lately. 

Spent almost two hours of pure goofiness with Harleyo at Brew this evening- it was refreshingly fun. 

Saturday, November 9, 2013

This is my countdown...Day 49

Sleep: What humans do for 1/3 of their lives.

Good Humor: A sense that some have and some do not. 

Waffles: Like pancakes, with syrup traps.

Heart to heart conversation: A deep talk talk.

Generosity: The art of being selfish on someone else's behalf. 

Friday, November 8, 2013

This is my countdown...Day 50

This day..... full of work. I thoroughly enjoy my job. Nabiel's company and advice is priceless... I am so am so lucky to have him as an employer and friend. I took a little break and ran to the bank in the brink fall air. The little bank guy's smile gets me everytime- always makes my day haha. At work I had a couple awesome laughing attacks with Bekah.. I think Nabiel thought we were crazy but he was happy that we were having fun. Then I came home and made some amazing food: pan-fried potatoes and onions with eggs, bacon and ciabatta. Sooo good!

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

This is my countdown... Day 52

Gentle Embraces 
Beautiful Bekah
Flowing Dance
Head-boppin' Music
Abstract Painting 

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

This is my countdown...Day 53

Deep forest
Man's footpath
Ending rain.

Red shoots
Knife slashes
Baskets in embryo

Goofy wise kid
His huge heart
Hold's mine.

Leaf Piles

Belly Laughing

Monday, November 4, 2013

This is my countdown... Day 54

Surrounded by familiarity... 
                Dreamless sleep.....
                                Spending time with Mama.......
              .....Climbing trees..........

Sunday, November 3, 2013

This is my countdown...Day 55

Chocolate.... Reese's peanut-butter cups successfully completed the route of wrapper to stomach. 

New Socks... warm soft and perfectly mismatched.

Smooth skin... buttered in a brown sugared bay scent. 

Communication... the art of fitting together words to complete a situation.

Footnotes from the past... acknowledging where we stand on our life line.

Saturday, November 2, 2013

This is my countdown... Day 56

Hair flowing, Skirt blowing... Happiness. 

Grinning, Winking, Laughing... Friendship.

Joyful stepping, Means delicious... Serving. 

Sizzling, Chopping, Steaming... Nourishment. 

Giggling, Tickling, Hugging... Priceless.   

Saturday, October 19, 2013

So... I'm perfect then.

I would never do something stupid. Just throwing that out there beforehand.
But really~ am I okay?
I'm not an alcoholic, but I love getting drunk as many nights a week as possible because it helps me forget.
I smoke way too many cigarettes. 10-15 a day is too many. But then I can go an entire day without even one. Without wanting a cigarette, "needing" one, whatever. So I tell myself I'm not addicted.
I rarely eat. I just don't get hungry. And when I do get hungry it's at the oddest moments... like when I'm hurrying to work... I feel like I'm going to pass out. When I go to get food though it just looks fucking gross... so I don't eat. I drink juice or something periodically to keep my blood sugar up.
Like in the past two days, I kid you not, I have only eaten two pieces of pita each with a smear of hummous on them. I got really hungry today at work so I made myself a huge gyro with fries... two bites latter I guiltily threw it in the trash when Nabiel wasn't looking. I felt so bad.
And then I drink on an empty stomach, and usually end up puking ten shots and a couple beers latter.
I pass out, and sleep for 2-3 hours before stumbling off to work.
Depending on my work schedule between both jobs my sleeping patterns get really messed up. Often I work from 7am to 9:30 and then go back into work at 11, doing my makeup getting dressed in that hour and a half space. I'll usually work 11-4 and either get out early and hang out with friends (repeat the same thing over) or I go back into work and work 6-9 and then hang out with friends (repeat the same thing over). Orr.... if I only work 4-9 at my second job, I literally pass the fuck out after getting home at 9:30 in the am and groggily go to work at 4pm. That's the weirdest schedule for me, just because it feels like my day is just getting going at like 5pm. And so then I don't sleep until 4/5 in the morning, and literally get a short 2 hour nap-- which is way too short when you are already highly intoxicated.
One thing that feels really good right now is to have the stress of money off my shoulders for the most part. I can't believe Mama and Daddy are paying for my rent right now- it's crazy that someone would do that. But for real, I've been able to comfortably put aside a huge chunk of the money I do make, it makes me feel really good about myself. I love that I almost have $400 and I don't have to chuck it all at some landlord tomorrow just so I can have a place to live for the next thirty days- that if anything, would be the number one suicide incentive.
Without stressing about money, I don't feel overly guilty about buying a new set of clothes and a pair of shoes... and I feel damn sexy walking around... I feel damn good about myself.
Isn't that what living is really all about?
Feeling damn good about yourself?
Honestly, I love who I am. But I think I love me for all the wrong reasons~ or all the different reasons.

And while these are not in order of preference....
I love me because:
I love to work.
I have a fucking gorgeous ghetto booty.
I love to smile.
I will always laugh.
I put everyone else first.
I have a very kind heart.
I would never want to hurt anyone.
I'm different.
I think, a lot.

But you know,
Sometimes I feel like it's not me. Like I'm seriously watching the story of a girl play out in front of me. And this girl~
She is the sweetest, kindest person you will ever meet. But she kind of thrives on pain. You know how some people thrive on causing others pain? She thrives on her pain. And she doesn't know why. She wishes it wasn't like that, but she's okay with it. It's weird.
She wishes that she wasn't so thoughtful sometimes~ and that shit wasn't illegal. For some reason she likes doing stupid things that make her feel like a badass...
She would never rob a bank, she'd love to, but she never would. So instead she'll switch all the campaign signs in the neighborhood, put a bloody baby doll on someone's porch... those innocent "who the hell is fucking with me" moments... and nobody suspects the beautiful young writer sipping a pumpkin chai latte whilst on her apple computer at the coffee shop downtown.
And then deep inside she's just a hurt little motherfucker that really doesn't know what she wants... why she's living.. you know all that bullshit.
Maybe it's just being a teen.

But then hell, I'm turning 20 in a couple months.

There's a full moon out tonight...

Most of the time I'm pretty happy and content and shit with where I am... I forget that I'm not perfect, and I forget that maybe I should change.
But then nights like tonight... when I have no stimulants, and I'm feeling foreveralone kinda shit (I do believe the term for females in this state may be... ahem~ do we say, "pmsing"?) I start to write because it's a good way to just blow shit out there... you know it won't change anything, but at least you fucking got it out-- and maybe somehow it helped you figure something out.

I think it did.

This post isn't nearly as informative or depressing as I was imagining... but I think what I got out of it is, just keep living. I think too deep. I worry a fuck ton. People love me how I am. I love me how I am. There is no right way~ so I am perfect.

Monday, October 14, 2013


life of a falling star
a place to land
bits of dust in a hand
proof of something
nothing is magic
heart lapse
sparks can't hide the blame
if i can live to be
that ounce of life
you needed
before failing
in your mind
then I'm more than happy
to take the time
to give up the time
I would have taken
someplace else
given to another human
to spark desire
a long lasting fire
I'll be a burning street lamp
going out
with the daylight
breaking down barriers
in your maze.

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

~~somehow i always smile through the pain~~no one ever really knows what i'm going though~~if someone just took the time to look into my eyes, i think they'd understand why i can't bare my reflection anymore~~

They say an end can be a start
Feels like I've been buried yet I'm still alive
It's like a bad day that never ends
I feel the chaos around me
A thing I don't try to deny
I'd better learn to accept that
There are things in my life I can't control

They say love ain't nothing but a sore
I don't even know what love is
Too many tears have had to fall
Don't you know I'm so tired of it all
I have known terror dizzy spells
Finding out the secrets words won't tell
Whatever it is it can't be named
There's a part of my world that's fading away

You know I don't want to be clever
To be brilliant or superior
True like ice, true like fire
Now I know that a breeze can blow me away
Now I know there's much more dignity
In defeat than in the brightest victory
I'm losing my balance on the tight rope
Tell me please, tell me please, tell me please...

If I ever feel better
Remind me to spend some good time with you
You can give me your number
When it's all over I'll let you know

Hang on to the good days
I can lean on my friends
They help me going through hard times
But I'm feeding the enemy
I'm in league with the foe
Blame me for what's happening
I can't try, I can't try, I can't try...

No one knows the hard times I went through
If happiness came I miss the call
The stormy days ain't over
I've tried and lost know I think that I pay the cost
Now I've watched all my castles fall
They were made of dust, after all
Someday all this mess will make me laugh
I can't wait, I can't wait, I can't wait...

If I ever feel better
Remind me to spend some good time with you
You can give me your number
When it's all over I'll let you know

If I ever feel better
Remind me to spend some good time with you
You can give me your number
When it's all over I'll let you know

It's like somebody took my place
I ain't even playing my own game
The rules have changed well I didn't know
There are things in my life I can't control
I feel the chaos around me
A thing I don't try to deny
I'd better learn to accept that
There's a part of my life that will go away

Dark is the night, cold is the ground
In the circular solitude of my heart
As one who strives a hill to climb
I am sure I'll come through I don't know how
They say an end can be a start
Feels like I've been buried yet I'm still alive

I'm losing my balance on the tight rope
Tell me please, tell me please, tell me please...

If I ever feel better
Remind me to spend some good time with you
You can give me your number
When it's all over I'll let you know

If I ever feel better
Remind me to spend some good time with you
You can give me your number
When it's all over I'll let you know

~~i really don't know how much more i can fucking take~~

Tuesday, October 1, 2013


fear of rejection...need a sense of direction...failing the general election...desires for mutual affection...a world of corruption...a place of shattered dreams...a life of silent screams...bursting at the seams...a flower restrained...when it's contained...a bird can still make melody...

Why me? Isn't that such a common question.

Why anybody really, so for me, right here, right now, I'm asking... Why? Why, why, why, why, why.

Why is there the damned word religion. Why do people want something to believe in. Why can't people rely on themselves. Why did that church ever exist. Why did my parents go there. Why were they lied to. Why all the hate. Why the rejection. Why the tears. Why. Why did my dad quit his job. Why did we have to be poor. Why did I have so much pain. Why do we need money. Why do I have to take care of this. Why am I so scared. Why do I want to live. Why. Why am I crying. Why isn't my family here for me. Why don't I have a place to live. Why can't I make enough money. Why do I do the things I do. Why am I happy. Why am I lost. Why can't my life be normal. Why are some people so lucky. Why do perverted people exist. Why did I let myself be abused. Why did I care. Why do I still care. Why do I not care. Why can't I see what everyone else sees. Why don't I want to give up.








Why is there no one here to tell me it's going to be okay. Why do I want that someone. Why am I so proud. Why am I so insecure. Why do I need all this on my mind. Why can't I just live. Why isn't the world how it used to be. Why is there drama. Why do people fall in love.

I don't even know what to do anymore.

Whatcha going to do when I walk into you and say that they way we were is how I wanna be and that the days we spent together were not in vain that your blood still courses through my veins making me breath. You were my one true love all those years.. and when we broke apart that was the space I needed to break my fears to come out and be my true self. I know I'm different, I'm not the actor you knew. That strong character was falling in a slew of his own misery and now that I'm out and my face is shining I don't need your light to guide my way. Those days are over and change is pain. I don't mean to hurt you and I realize I have and maybe I still am, but though it all I still see you as the beautiful being you always were to me- and your beauty never dies but grows stronger with each breath you take. And when the evil in you comes out, though it might kill me just a little to know it's inside I still admire the sparkle in your eyes just to know that one can live with the burdens you bare... keeps me going. It is not a secret though you try to keep it, you carry the weight of the world when you should only care about yourself.. what you take on is not yours but the concern you have for other's well being exceeds anything you've ever wanted for you. And then you wonder why you cry at night and why this and why that... have you ever stopped to look where you're at?
You cannot keep letting others throw their bundles at you! You say it's rewarding in the end- but look what you've done for me and I'm still hurting you.
Maybe you're hurting yourself. You say you know it.

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Laying on a boat dock rocking in the way of the waves- the sky's eyes speak secrets through a cloud-man disguise.

My home is where I am because it cannot be any where else.

home was surrounded by love
home was in a broken family
home was in a filthy basement
home was in a lesbian stranger's abode
home was in a shitty first apartment
home was living with redhead pop singer
home was under trees and bridges
home was moving room to room
home was in a uninsulated duplex
home was a friend's couch
home was a broken station-wagon
home was on a boy's camp
home was in a skunk family's feeding grounds
home was in family-of-four's empty house
home was on a river bank
home was in a downtown hotel room
home was in a haunted party townhouse
home was with my mother and her boyfriend
home is laying next to the love of my life
home is sleeping without worry of where i'd sleep
home is a gift I can never repay.

Thank you, Michael.

Friday, July 5, 2013

An Update...Still Ashland Wisconsin

So... it's still the same day to day-- I enjoy this life in a way but I really do miss working.
The position the co-op had open was filled by a couple of their current employees. So... that's crossed out- for now anyway. The bakery said they will get back with me sometime next week. I may just end up picking some berries or something for farmers around here- I dunno. I'm pretty much just taking my days moment by moment...not much else to do!
The other evening Taylor and I were just chilling on the grass in the park where we are staying-- Flora was in town with our friend Rooster. This random guy pulls up to the park and we got to talking... Justin is from Canada and is just taking a road trip for the summer. He ended up setting up camp with us for the night. We had a blast- eating Alpha-getti and sausage sticks and more dumpster candy...playing music, dancing, star gazing, midnight jungle gym climbing and swinging, playing ninja and otter and the fish... It was great.
Flora, Taylor, Myself and Justin-

Flora helped out in a fourth of July parade that was going on- they had a float against some mining shit that's happening?? I dunno- I'm not getting involved with it haha I do love our lakes (which is kinda funny...because Wisconsin people are all freaking out like Oh my god our Lake Superior! And I'm all like it's my fucking lake bitches... I'm from suck my... alright, sorry...) Umm... but yeah I guess it was like a protesting float... they all dressed up like animals and had a theme song and everything- it was awesome! I helped Flora make her coyote costume... we used materials that we found in a thrift store's dumpster... a pillow, shirt and a couple yards of orange fabric!

--Adding fabric strips to the shirt--

--Working on the mask--

 It turned out really nice!

--The finished Coyote costume--

--The head of the parade--

--Flora playing her violin in costume--

--Flora and Crazy Banjo Man--

After the parade we all went swimming... I finally got myself to jump into that crazy brown body of water... It was a little chilly but so worth it!

--Flora and I relaxing in the sun--

--Sharing laughter--

Our friend Rooster is an amazing person... he's super fun to hang out with and takes away the boredom with his talented crazy punk rock songs and guitar skills... Rooster played the lead drum in the parade and was dressed as a pine tree. Flora crocheted some pine cones into his hair!
--Flora and Rooster--

And this my friends, is the beach in Ashland. Woot!

A couple other friends swimming in the bay...

While everyone else was talking in hanging out-- I was just being me and doodling and writing... for fun I wrote this--

Make some more shine
in the way of summer's 
life line it's the time
to be fine and grow
like a vine, follow through
with the rhyme...
Ain't nobody got time for
thyme to
bind us with twine
it's kind to stick together
and dine off the finest
limes, though grimy from
the coffee grounds on 
the grounds in the pines.
Drinking wines out of steins
together we fight the mines
but I'm sitting on my hiney
and I'm getting kind of whiney
It's not yours, it's not mine.
The end. 

Yeeeahhh... it's weird and goofy, full of inside jokes... like fine limes? Yeah.

Taylor has been carving a spoon from a piece of drift wood... it's turning out so nice! I'll have to get a picture of it...

Taylor and I carving...

 We made an amazing meal the other night... Fresh salad with lambs quarters, dandelions and other greens, lentils and rice. Flora and I had a blast "playing house" and setting up the table all pretty haha

And this? Yeah this is our home... this is where we live. Because we crazy. Every few days this is what we do... we clean and organize our car. Fun stuff.
Alright! That's it.... that's whats going on in my life. Love you all!
Peace out!

Monday, July 1, 2013

Ashland Wisconsin

   -Flora checking out flowers, Michigan's Upper Peninsula-   

We made it to Ashland! 
Friday evening we pulled into Wisconsin. The first couple days have been spent exploring the place. It's right along the Lake Superior ... except the lake is kind of bright reddish-brown haha I haven't been able to get myself to jump in..just because it's like different, or whatever. 
We met a few people here in town... they are also travelers. We've been spending some time with them, they showed us some hot spots for travelers to score food and things of that nature. It's crazy the kinds of food people will throw out... and once you get to know the schedules you can snatch the food before it spoils...or melts (think bags of mini SNICKERS and MILKYWAY candy bars.... namanamnam!!!).
I ate a bunch of candy. 
It was good. 
Flora and Taylor went and worked on a farm for a couple hours on Saturday... they met this guy at the farmer's market who lives in town...has a garden in his yard, works on another farm's garden and has another garden out of's just like what he does. So yeah, they went over to his garden and weeded and smashed potato bugs.
 I stayed in town... I was grumpy. Oh...they joys of womanhood. 

-Ashland Wisconsin-

There are a lot of daisies here... I think I almost have one tucked behind my ear all day everyday.... in fact there are so many daisies, theres got to be one for every 100 mosquitoes in this town.  
Yeah man... I bought a big ol' can of bug spray and I don't even use that shit. 

Haha funny story...
So I was really tired and the car was parked waaay on the other side of town... I went to look for a nice quiet place to lay out my mat and take a nap, right? Walking along what is Ashland's equivalent of Traverse City's TART trail (I think it's called the Rail Trail or something) I found this little side trail going into some bushes... it looked interesting so I start following it... I found this perfect little sunny area. The moment I stopped to lay down my mat I was literally swarmed with mosquitoes... not just like ten or whatever... but like a whole fricken family with their extended family's family. You know how gnats kinda cluster in millions above your head? Well think of that but around your entire body, and mosquitoes instead of gnats. So I started walking back to the Rail Trail, those little pests followed me... clustering around my neck, back, arms, face any exposed skin...boobs. I probably looked like a crazy woman running smacking myself and waving my arms all over the place...they almost followed me all the way to the gas station...maybe they knew what I was after. Did you know bug spray is almost $10 a can? Craazzyy. 

I took some time yesterday to fill out job applications, write a resume and a couple cover letters. Today I dropped them off... The Black Cat Coffee Shop, Ashland's Bakery and the Food Co-op. 
I had a nice talk with the manager at the Co-op. He's like this older Grandpa style guy... super sweet. He said they may have position opening up soon for cleaning the store and as a back up for call ins... that would be a fun part time, foot in the door kinda thing. He seemed really interested in my interest to work at co-ops and also was excited to talk about Oryana... I guess they are planning on expanding their co-op in a couple months to the size of Oryana... 
The bakery (which by the way is AWESOME!! I've never had bread just like Mama's bread, but this bakery frickin' nailed it) said they should have a position open in the dessert section of the kitchen...think pastries and shtuff like that. 
So yeah.... job opportunities are kinda open, just waiting to hear back. 
Money is a bit of an issue right now. I've almost exhausted my funds after buying three months worth of phone service (don't wanna loose contact with people now... O_O). 

 -Sweet peas along the lake--Ashland Wisconsin- 

The car is currently not drivable. Well, I mean it is...but we are trying not to drive it until we can get her repaired. The carburetor is pretty much shit and I'm almost sure the fuel pump is too. We just got to make money before we can get that fixed. So...she's parked down at a park a little ways out of town for now... I'm not sure how long we can keep her parked there. 
We looked into a rustic camp ground near town but it's super expensive, $15/ night and almost $100 for a week pass. It would be awesome if there was a woods in town like Traverse City has... but nah. 
Not sure what's going to happen with this whole living in a broken car thing... 
Oh yeah... the other night (completely different subject by the way) when we were sitting around a bonfire with our new traveling friends... I was playing guitar when Collin who had ventured over to the woods to water the trees calls for Crow to come over. He said there were a pair of eyes watching him. These eyes kept coming closer and closer to our fire... finally from the edge of the woods a baby bear appeared in the fire light. It was so crazy!!! He stood up and only reached a couple feet tall. We made a bunch of noise because we could hear the Mama bear wandering around nearby. He was hanging around so we finally went inside the house we were at.... I wish I would've had my camera!
Welllll....that's about that ya'll!
Until next time...
Peace out!

Wednesday, June 26, 2013


High five 
One bee has left the hive
I hugged my Daddy and my Mama
Shed a tear, or maybe two
The things in life we take for granted 
maybe sometimes even hate
are often what we hold the closest
and learn to appreciate 
to a greater level when it's time to say

Thursday, June 20, 2013

Un-revealed-lution: An Unrevealed Revolution.

I cannot describe these feelings. 
I don't know what they are.
They are not wrong...
Sometimes they make me cry.
Do you ever
to the sky?
Rolling fire disguised by white lies 
Secrets kept in closed eyes.
Dumb lips speaking tales of vigorous flights,
arms embracing
the force of love.

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Last Day at Oryana

Yesterday was my last Day at Oryana... This was one of two things that were difficult for me to move away from- my job and dance classes...
Working at the Co-op really made me who I am in a way... I started there almost two years ago when I moved away from the farm. The employees, the member-owners, the atmosphere was always so positive. I met so many beautiful people. It really was great... and I will miss it for sure- but this is just the start to something amazing! 

 This kitchen... haha so many good memories made here!

Monday, June 3, 2013

Molly Mae

We bought a Buick Century Station Wagon... this is the just the beginning!
Introducing... Molly Mae!

Molly Mae has lived on Bois Blanc Island all her life. Bois Blanc is a small island southeast of Mackinac Island in Lake Huron. You can read more about it here.
This car was only used to take people from their house to the ferry. We picked up Molly Mae in Cheboygan from the owners, a very sweet older couple. We had so much fun driving her back to Traverse City!

This week is dedicated to making a storage space under the bed in the back, and figuring out where everything is going to go. Only one more week until my last day at Oryana!

Monday, May 27, 2013

Random Scrawls from Random Notebooks

I'm just a dumb bitch
that smokes half a camel cigarette 
two times a day
I'm running, running and
my feet are not touching the ground
I wear my sunglasses
halfway down my nose
and juggle glittering balls 
for pennies that can't go in 
street meters
I wish I didn't have blond hair
so I dyed it green
If you "make eyes" at me
thats when I get mean
don't cry, or you'll
remind me of my aunt
the day her cat died...
It got hit by a car
one of those electric kind
that look like bugs.


Who can see the pain in a child
when the sun shines in their eyes?


Lets live to fullfil the lusts that others bring us, the joys that are thrown our way, the times of sadness we like to focus on, let these get us through our day. When people act like they want to kill us- most of the time they probably do, learn to ignore and fuck them over with skillful glances and evil eyes. But don't forget, that after a battle one must always laugh it off...snicker, giggle..cackle, roar, heal the wounds the battle bore. Nothing can penetrate laughter, so if you can, laugh while in the battle as well..  It is an intense technique that advanced warriors use... it will keep you from being wounded, but it also pisses your opponent to no end, making him fight longer. You might be better off just focusing on their strategies to make your own-build your knowledge on the art. Don't be afraid to push your limits though. This is how you learn your boundaries, and grow. Eye contact. This is another key. So is confidence, that'll piss your opponent as well but you are fighting after all, what is a little more anger?


They got the bumpity bumps and they got the trills and thrills... the bass drops and the jingles, always searching for the soul the feeling that makes your heart drop makes you stop and think awhile.
Oh, but we want the fame, the power in our name... schools are the answer, teachers are the key, give us all our money... we'll move your feet to a dance.  


My heart is heavy, my spirit is not dancing- 
the beats are all wrong- I'm confused.
This is the season for new beginnings 
a time to breath the breath of life.
Why am I choking? 
My eyes pool
 and threaten to spill over...
A part of me wants to raise the dam,
let loose and free these feelings
a greater part is holding back
enjoying the suffering.
I feel and aura of energy around me- it can't mingle with the happiness and joy of everyone I am near, and they feel it too... My stomach is sick, my teeth clenched- I can't let go, and I'm scared. 
The outdoors, what I connect to like no other- holds no beauty this evening. The warm spring rain chills me to the bone ... and while I'm sure a bird sings somewhere, I do not hear it. Where did the sun go? I can always feel his rays even on the cloudiest days- but even as he shines I do not know his presence. I am trying to reach for a better feeling, thought, memory, nothing is there. To my right is a rainbow, on the left a sunset ... overhead, a handful of starlings are flying with a pair of seagulls- I cannot find or feel any beauty in it. I am going to break this. I have to. Because it's not who I am.
I'm going to describe what I see!
- The seagulls pearly white wings almost blended with the sky,
This isn't working. That sounded like shit. 
The sunset was efwlkjbdp94yt3p9qufhapi I CAN'T FUCKING SPELL!
Well, anyway---
It was lots of shades of purple. Purple is my favorite color, it makes me happy-it didn't-but we're going to pretend...that'll be fun, right? So yeah, when I saw the sky, my heart was over flowing with happiness, I couldn't stop smiling, the light was reflecting in my eyes- yep, it can do that! Well, my eyes turned purple to put it bluntly... the purple (it's a light, bright, deep, electric kind of purple- full of light) it filled my entire mind, I stopped thinking ... and only felt. 
A seagull swooped down and whispered in my ear "You are beautiful, Hannah."
It worked!!! I got it! I'm so proud of myself.


I came in as a beam
I am universal.


Life is a dance
We can't hold back, 
Got to give it our all
follow the call
obey the moves
and put in soul
Make it our own
show the world
The story you tell
is the story you get
Little bit
at a time
Gotta give it time
make the most of every
Dance in the 
Laugh with the 
Sing with the 
Call out your name-
the hills answer back
they know where you're at.


Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Heart Ramblings to no one in particular...

You gave me a the glint in your eye
like a treasure, I held it
close to my soul 
Until the day came you told me
it was fake
My fortune lost, my eyes full
as my heart held pain

Again and again I saw you 
give this treasure away
to fullfil your own heart 
and make life have 
some purpose and place

When I looked in your eyes
the glint was gone
had it even been there all along?
And with each sip of blame 
your level of life was being drained
until the day you looked 
in the mirror-
and saw death instead
You gave it up,
for good you said.

And once again my heart
was vulnerable to the
sunshine on your lips and
I fell deep into the fountain
of your love

But as they do, situations
came into your life
difficult tests 
that you wanted to ace
but you felt yourself failing
in the name of fame
Desperate for change
desire to fit in
you fell
I watched
Unable to provide 
the rung you struggled
to grasp

One day not too long ago
you began to cry
And the clouds were 
washed from your eyes
the world is viewed differently
when you have no disguise

Starting from nothing 
you began to build- again

You lost me once
and hurt me twice
I am now loose from this vice
there is no going back
the love in my heart still runs deep
But I now stand on my own two feet
Moving on
Saying goodbye
wishing you the best forever
and all good things
you will never be forgotten
and never forget
how much I loved you
and that
I still do

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Eternal Existence

Traveling down a road
 with no where to go
 just fulfilling my time 
with the purpose in mind 
to face any challenge 
thrown in my path
on the throne 
deep in the night
full of might 
I fight with love
giving and showing 
what we're about 
to bring out
 the smiles
 in every child
 screens disappear 
as we become
 the new media 
casting aside the fear
of dying
bad guy heroes
now history
into the mist 
far away in the sky
learn to fly 
like the blackbird 
ruby on the wing 
shining like
engaged to situations
unimaginable to the 
human mind
time goes by 
like a time traveler 
taking you
to places
only spiritual beings 
have been and 
your eyes 
are opened to worlds unknown
to anybody. 
Who is below
or above 
isn't relevant anymore,
because there is no
depth or distance
no way to measure
what is existence?
are we just dreaming?
or are dreams
we ask because 
we want reason-
but do we need reason
to be happy?
to live?
to love?
give up your thoughts,
stop thinking-
let the wings of the wind 
carry you
without a worry
or care... 
you don't care 
because you trust 
enough when
in the right mind-set
in a daze 
those days
when you appear
 to be gazing
 into outer space
 spacing out (as 
some may say 
day dreaming) 
but we are actually
 place to place
we are ageless
the beauty of our youth

Monday, May 6, 2013

The Caterpillar Song

Smile Caterpillar
turn your face into the sun
you can walk on my land
I don't care if you run
It is all organic,
there is nothing to fear
no chemicals, no pesticides
you are loved here

I know that you've been tossed about
a time or two before,
so I understand your hesitance
to come knocking at my door
But I can assure you,
as soon as you're inside
I'll kiss your fuzzy face,
look in your big brown eyes, 
say, let's always love each other 
until the day we die

Let me come into your chrysalis
there's beauty in obscure 
When the time is right
we'll start our flight
wings- in this illuminated sphere
And I can assure you,
As we're flying side by side
I'll kiss your fuzzy face,
look in your big brown eyes, 
say, let's always love each other 
until the day we die


Tuesday, April 23, 2013


don't say again where we can be- 
how we should be
 why we cant be, 
cant we just be? 
what about the energy 
we possess  
creeping in 
taking over 
over flowing 
river beds 
rainclouds over head
water fall
going going going 
on and on 
 there is no stopping it...

Friday, April 19, 2013

A Tribute to Meow

I snuffed hay dust for the first time 
With my best friend
We giggled
and tried to muffle our noise
with Hen's soft clucking
It made me feel funny.
I heard Mama talking last night
She's worried about me growing up
Said the ducks are a bad influence 
But I don't think I'll ever
jump in mud puddles.

I met a cute boy... 
...he winked at me
I found out later his name is Tommy.
I can't help but purr  
When I think of him
He is  a little older than me
and already in college... 
I think he's studying mouse anatomy.
He might even be seeing someone
But I'm not sure.

It's warm out today
I think I'm going to nap..
 Mama will bring home sparrow for dinner, 
she said I'm old enough to 
get my own dinner
But under her grouchy attitude 
she really does 
love me
And still likes to treat me like a
kid- I don't mind.