Saturday, October 19, 2013

So... I'm perfect then.

I would never do something stupid. Just throwing that out there beforehand.
But really~ am I okay?
I'm not an alcoholic, but I love getting drunk as many nights a week as possible because it helps me forget.
I smoke way too many cigarettes. 10-15 a day is too many. But then I can go an entire day without even one. Without wanting a cigarette, "needing" one, whatever. So I tell myself I'm not addicted.
I rarely eat. I just don't get hungry. And when I do get hungry it's at the oddest moments... like when I'm hurrying to work... I feel like I'm going to pass out. When I go to get food though it just looks fucking gross... so I don't eat. I drink juice or something periodically to keep my blood sugar up.
Like in the past two days, I kid you not, I have only eaten two pieces of pita each with a smear of hummous on them. I got really hungry today at work so I made myself a huge gyro with fries... two bites latter I guiltily threw it in the trash when Nabiel wasn't looking. I felt so bad.
And then I drink on an empty stomach, and usually end up puking ten shots and a couple beers latter.
I pass out, and sleep for 2-3 hours before stumbling off to work.
Depending on my work schedule between both jobs my sleeping patterns get really messed up. Often I work from 7am to 9:30 and then go back into work at 11, doing my makeup getting dressed in that hour and a half space. I'll usually work 11-4 and either get out early and hang out with friends (repeat the same thing over) or I go back into work and work 6-9 and then hang out with friends (repeat the same thing over). Orr.... if I only work 4-9 at my second job, I literally pass the fuck out after getting home at 9:30 in the am and groggily go to work at 4pm. That's the weirdest schedule for me, just because it feels like my day is just getting going at like 5pm. And so then I don't sleep until 4/5 in the morning, and literally get a short 2 hour nap-- which is way too short when you are already highly intoxicated.
One thing that feels really good right now is to have the stress of money off my shoulders for the most part. I can't believe Mama and Daddy are paying for my rent right now- it's crazy that someone would do that. But for real, I've been able to comfortably put aside a huge chunk of the money I do make, it makes me feel really good about myself. I love that I almost have $400 and I don't have to chuck it all at some landlord tomorrow just so I can have a place to live for the next thirty days- that if anything, would be the number one suicide incentive.
Without stressing about money, I don't feel overly guilty about buying a new set of clothes and a pair of shoes... and I feel damn sexy walking around... I feel damn good about myself.
Isn't that what living is really all about?
Feeling damn good about yourself?
Honestly, I love who I am. But I think I love me for all the wrong reasons~ or all the different reasons.

And while these are not in order of preference....
I love me because:
I love to work.
I have a fucking gorgeous ghetto booty.
I love to smile.
I will always laugh.
I put everyone else first.
I have a very kind heart.
I would never want to hurt anyone.
I'm different.
I think, a lot.

But you know,
Sometimes I feel like it's not me. Like I'm seriously watching the story of a girl play out in front of me. And this girl~
She is the sweetest, kindest person you will ever meet. But she kind of thrives on pain. You know how some people thrive on causing others pain? She thrives on her pain. And she doesn't know why. She wishes it wasn't like that, but she's okay with it. It's weird.
She wishes that she wasn't so thoughtful sometimes~ and that shit wasn't illegal. For some reason she likes doing stupid things that make her feel like a badass...
She would never rob a bank, she'd love to, but she never would. So instead she'll switch all the campaign signs in the neighborhood, put a bloody baby doll on someone's porch... those innocent "who the hell is fucking with me" moments... and nobody suspects the beautiful young writer sipping a pumpkin chai latte whilst on her apple computer at the coffee shop downtown.
And then deep inside she's just a hurt little motherfucker that really doesn't know what she wants... why she's living.. you know all that bullshit.
Maybe it's just being a teen.

But then hell, I'm turning 20 in a couple months.

There's a full moon out tonight...

Most of the time I'm pretty happy and content and shit with where I am... I forget that I'm not perfect, and I forget that maybe I should change.
But then nights like tonight... when I have no stimulants, and I'm feeling foreveralone kinda shit (I do believe the term for females in this state may be... ahem~ do we say, "pmsing"?) I start to write because it's a good way to just blow shit out there... you know it won't change anything, but at least you fucking got it out-- and maybe somehow it helped you figure something out.

I think it did.

This post isn't nearly as informative or depressing as I was imagining... but I think what I got out of it is, just keep living. I think too deep. I worry a fuck ton. People love me how I am. I love me how I am. There is no right way~ so I am perfect.

Monday, October 14, 2013


life of a falling star
a place to land
bits of dust in a hand
proof of something
nothing is magic
heart lapse
sparks can't hide the blame
if i can live to be
that ounce of life
you needed
before failing
in your mind
then I'm more than happy
to take the time
to give up the time
I would have taken
someplace else
given to another human
to spark desire
a long lasting fire
I'll be a burning street lamp
going out
with the daylight
breaking down barriers
in your maze.

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

~~somehow i always smile through the pain~~no one ever really knows what i'm going though~~if someone just took the time to look into my eyes, i think they'd understand why i can't bare my reflection anymore~~

They say an end can be a start
Feels like I've been buried yet I'm still alive
It's like a bad day that never ends
I feel the chaos around me
A thing I don't try to deny
I'd better learn to accept that
There are things in my life I can't control

They say love ain't nothing but a sore
I don't even know what love is
Too many tears have had to fall
Don't you know I'm so tired of it all
I have known terror dizzy spells
Finding out the secrets words won't tell
Whatever it is it can't be named
There's a part of my world that's fading away

You know I don't want to be clever
To be brilliant or superior
True like ice, true like fire
Now I know that a breeze can blow me away
Now I know there's much more dignity
In defeat than in the brightest victory
I'm losing my balance on the tight rope
Tell me please, tell me please, tell me please...

If I ever feel better
Remind me to spend some good time with you
You can give me your number
When it's all over I'll let you know

Hang on to the good days
I can lean on my friends
They help me going through hard times
But I'm feeding the enemy
I'm in league with the foe
Blame me for what's happening
I can't try, I can't try, I can't try...

No one knows the hard times I went through
If happiness came I miss the call
The stormy days ain't over
I've tried and lost know I think that I pay the cost
Now I've watched all my castles fall
They were made of dust, after all
Someday all this mess will make me laugh
I can't wait, I can't wait, I can't wait...

If I ever feel better
Remind me to spend some good time with you
You can give me your number
When it's all over I'll let you know

If I ever feel better
Remind me to spend some good time with you
You can give me your number
When it's all over I'll let you know

It's like somebody took my place
I ain't even playing my own game
The rules have changed well I didn't know
There are things in my life I can't control
I feel the chaos around me
A thing I don't try to deny
I'd better learn to accept that
There's a part of my life that will go away

Dark is the night, cold is the ground
In the circular solitude of my heart
As one who strives a hill to climb
I am sure I'll come through I don't know how
They say an end can be a start
Feels like I've been buried yet I'm still alive

I'm losing my balance on the tight rope
Tell me please, tell me please, tell me please...

If I ever feel better
Remind me to spend some good time with you
You can give me your number
When it's all over I'll let you know

If I ever feel better
Remind me to spend some good time with you
You can give me your number
When it's all over I'll let you know

~~i really don't know how much more i can fucking take~~

Tuesday, October 1, 2013


fear of rejection...need a sense of direction...failing the general election...desires for mutual affection...a world of corruption...a place of shattered dreams...a life of silent screams...bursting at the seams...a flower restrained...when it's contained...a bird can still make melody...

Why me? Isn't that such a common question.

Why anybody really, so for me, right here, right now, I'm asking... Why? Why, why, why, why, why.

Why is there the damned word religion. Why do people want something to believe in. Why can't people rely on themselves. Why did that church ever exist. Why did my parents go there. Why were they lied to. Why all the hate. Why the rejection. Why the tears. Why. Why did my dad quit his job. Why did we have to be poor. Why did I have so much pain. Why do we need money. Why do I have to take care of this. Why am I so scared. Why do I want to live. Why. Why am I crying. Why isn't my family here for me. Why don't I have a place to live. Why can't I make enough money. Why do I do the things I do. Why am I happy. Why am I lost. Why can't my life be normal. Why are some people so lucky. Why do perverted people exist. Why did I let myself be abused. Why did I care. Why do I still care. Why do I not care. Why can't I see what everyone else sees. Why don't I want to give up.








Why is there no one here to tell me it's going to be okay. Why do I want that someone. Why am I so proud. Why am I so insecure. Why do I need all this on my mind. Why can't I just live. Why isn't the world how it used to be. Why is there drama. Why do people fall in love.

I don't even know what to do anymore.

Whatcha going to do when I walk into you and say that they way we were is how I wanna be and that the days we spent together were not in vain that your blood still courses through my veins making me breath. You were my one true love all those years.. and when we broke apart that was the space I needed to break my fears to come out and be my true self. I know I'm different, I'm not the actor you knew. That strong character was falling in a slew of his own misery and now that I'm out and my face is shining I don't need your light to guide my way. Those days are over and change is pain. I don't mean to hurt you and I realize I have and maybe I still am, but though it all I still see you as the beautiful being you always were to me- and your beauty never dies but grows stronger with each breath you take. And when the evil in you comes out, though it might kill me just a little to know it's inside I still admire the sparkle in your eyes just to know that one can live with the burdens you bare... keeps me going. It is not a secret though you try to keep it, you carry the weight of the world when you should only care about yourself.. what you take on is not yours but the concern you have for other's well being exceeds anything you've ever wanted for you. And then you wonder why you cry at night and why this and why that... have you ever stopped to look where you're at?
You cannot keep letting others throw their bundles at you! You say it's rewarding in the end- but look what you've done for me and I'm still hurting you.
Maybe you're hurting yourself. You say you know it.